So I was laying in bed this morning completely and miserably hungover. I had a long night in the pub with some cool british people who’s names I don’t remember and I’ll probably never see again. And while it was fun to meet actual cool people my own age, wake up with a cell phone full of weird numbers that begin with +44 and have a blow out of a night I woke up to a fire alarm because some asshole in the building burned toast at 8am. And so I dragged my ass to Sainsbury for IB profen and hangover food once my body was ready to eat. Came home, watched LA Story and drifted in and out of a dreamy nap consciousness. Fuck I love that movie.
Woke up and Felt awful. Physically and emotionally. I miss home, I miss my love, I miss my friends I miss my family. Truthfully, it’s a little tough here, in a lock down facility most of the time and have to be escorted when on what’s lovingly called the ‘premises’ at all times because I’m the wrong nationality which I fully understand but it’s a little depressing i can’t really move around freely without being shot. And everything at work is so far over my head and out of my reach so far that I can’t seem to make any ground.
And so I woke up feeling miserable because everything seems to be falling apart and if I screw this up as badly as I feel I am there’s a solid chance I won’t have a job to go home to.
I woke up feeling like shit. And I started listening to a playlist the love of my life made me. And something clicked. Something moved. Something calibrated. Something got right. And I realized that it doesn’t fucking matter. Alright…let’s say this whole thing goes down the tubes. Ya know what, this fucking job has been a great thing but it’s also draining the life out of me. And maybe it took an ocean and a nearly impossible expectation to realize it but that’s a silver lining. I miss being lost and searching and weird. My thoughts are less wayward than ever and I thought I always wanted that stability but now my thoughts are in the form of business development. I lost the balance somewhere. I think the satisfaction of being (somewhat) successful in my field is now reaching a point of diminishing returns.
I woke up feeling like shit. I thought briefly about my brother. I’m grateful just to be able to open my eyes and grumble about. I woke up and realized after over 10 years I should probably forgive myself for merely surviving. As crazy as I believe myself to be I know somewhere deep down inside that my mind is sound (of course, buried under a slightly less deep rooted belief that I’ll lose my mind like he did). I thought about Ryan. Felt a well of emotion that it’s only been a few months since he died but I know he’d laugh at me for being such a pussy and missing being an errant weirdo instead of a embracing my inner kick ass business dude.
I thought about the time when I was about 17 and I had to get my wisdom teeth pulled. I was sent home with a bottle of percoset and played guitar and taught myself Photograph by Def Leppard and played/listened to it over and over and over and giggled myself into oblivion. Up until that month my whole year had been a tumultuous cloud of death and numbness. And right around then I fell in love. and the sky opened up and the sun came out and I felt the sweetest pain of first unrequited love. That spring I listened to a lot of Rusted Root with the windows down, my hand catching the warm Virginia air. I finally felt something then and I haven’t really stopped feeling outrageous things for women ever since.
I woke up and the hangover subsided a bit I had that frenzied feeling that’s been following me around since I was 17. A sudden, slightly too bright burst of wild happiness. The kind that you can’t define or find anywhere it just happens. You don’t chase it, you don’t ask it questions, you don’t try to figure it out you just let it run right through you and course through your veins and cells. it’s like when the drums start on the Yeah Yeah Yeahs Maps or the first time the bass kicks on We Found Love (for the record, I have never claimed to have GREAT taste in music).
I woke up and I remembered that the world is mine to do with whatever I want. And everything is so damned ridiculous and that’s really the beauty of it all. I’m just lucky enough to experience the absurdity of life. How’d I ever forget?
I HATE TED TALKS SO MUCH